The Comicversity
by Navek
Summary: Inspired by Atop the Fourth Wall. Linkara, please don't sue. Watch as Navek praises good comics, anime and tv shows with the same snark you expect from a TGWTG reviewer. Made in written form because I don't have a good camera.
1. The Comet Man 1

In a room with several comics, including signed copies of Dan Slott's Mighty Avengers run, posters of Captain Marvel and the Dark Angel Saga, and four gunpla figures of the Alex and X Divider Gundams. Sitting in a chair in front of this self was a young man with brown hair, a matching

peachfuzz and brown eyes. This was the fanfic author Navek.

Navek: Hello and welcome to the Comicversity. And yes, this is a ripoff of Atop the Fourth Wall. And in writing form since I don't have the editing skills to make a video. Also, if you guys were wondering what was taking me so long with my fanfics, it's because of AT4W, which is awesome. But unlike Linkara, I'd rather not risk my sanity reviewing terrible comics, so this show will be about reviewing good stuff (comics, anime or tv shows in general) while still trying to be funny. Anyway, let's talk about the Guardians of the Galaxy.

(Cue footage from the awesome movie.)

Navek: If you asked me back in 2008, when the Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning series came out, if I ever though the Guardian's would ever get their own movie, my answer would've been 'Hell no, are you high?' But now I've been proven wrong, much to my joy. But Rocket Raccoon is not the only 80's Marvel character with hidden potential. And no, it's not Monica Rambeau, but we'll talk about her later. Instead, we're going to talk about... THE COMET MAN!

(Crickets Chirp.)

Navek: Ya, even a lot of diehard Marvel fans will have difficulty telling you about this jem buried under the great comics such as the Roger Stern era Avengers, Rom: Spaceknight and the first Secret Wars. And before anyone asks, I am going to be picking up the new Secret Wars and no I am not pissed off because unlike DC's New 52, this is a reboot of the physical universe, not of the characters. But anyway, Comet Man. Not a lot I can say about Comet Man. It was created by Bill Mumay, the guy who played Will Robinson from Lost in Space.

Robot: Danger, Will Robinson!

Navek: The series lasted for only six issues in 1987, but it was still good and if I ever work at Marvel, Comet Man is someone I would love to write. And I'll show you why as we look into 'The Comet Man #1.'

(Close up on the cover of Issue 1.)

The cover is pretty good, with the titular Comet Man flying through space. Although maybe the reason he never caught on was because the way he flies kind of reminds me former New Mutant, former X-Forcer, former X-Man and current Avenger Cannonball. We also see Halley's comet in the background, but with a sudden curve in it's trajectory, no doubt so Magneto can use it kill millions of people to make a point.

Deadpool: Obscure reference for the win!

Navek: Also, the font of the logo looks like the classic Detective Comics logo but with a pink comic trail behind the 'Man' part. We start our story in space.

Space Core: Spaaaaaaaaaaace!

A shuttle opens and a circular pod, named Firewatch. As it's flying past a dark pink planet on the next page, we get some exposition in the form of caption boxes.

CAP: Spacebell Firewatch is the most sophisticated manned information gathering probe ever created. Firewatch is the culmination of the Edmund Project, a joint effort of NASA and MIT to investigate Halley's and other related space phenomena.

NavekCAP: We will finally figure out how the hell the Authority's Carrier works!

CAP: At the helm is astronomer and astrophysicist Dr. Stephen Beckley. Dr. Beckley and his wife, former astronaut Ann Beckley, are the architects and chief executives of the Edmund Project.

Navek: I guarantee you that if this comic was made today, we would have spent an entire issue just figuring out what the hell the Edmund Project is, and waste our time. Sometimes compressed storytelling is better. Anyway, Stephen is talking with his wife on the radio as we cut to Cape Canaveral, Florida. Holy Crap, a comic that takes place in Florida, my home state!

(Cue: Final Fantasy Victory Theme!)

Anyway, Ann is there with their son Benny to oversee the mission. However, some jackass pats her on the ass. The blonde jackass is named David and he's apparently Ann's ex. David tries to get the kid out of the room, no doubt to bang his ex on million dollar equipment. But Ann isn't having any of this crap and tells him. But before she can deliver the final zinger...

Stephen: Firewatch to Mission Control...this zero gravity stuff takes some getting used to. I'm feeling a little queasy.

NavekStephen: I knew I shouldn't have had that decompressed Panda Express before taking off.

Navek: David declares, "Quiet a man you've got there, Ann." further cementing his douchebag status. Benny points out that Stephen is on TV. The news report also reveals that David is a former ambassador acting as a liaison between NASA and MIT. Based on what we know of him so far, I assume he lost his job after getting caught harassing a secretary. Anyway, after Benny calms that his dad is totally cool, we cut back to the Firewatch probe. Stephen sees the comet, but it suddenly changes its path. He calls Mission Control about this, but his ship is sucked into the comet's tail.

Stephen: This is not, repeat not, what we expected!

Navek: Well this is same universe where radiation grants superpowers instead of killing people, magic is real, and genetic mutations somehow let you control the weather. I'm just saying, weirder stuff happens in this universe than a comet randomly changing course. Back to the comic, we see a well-drawn page of the Firewatch being destroyed, with four panels at the bottom showing the horrified expressions of Stephen's family, David looking surprised, and ... some pale guy we haven't met yet. Ann and Benny are naturally distraught with his death, and David, sensitive man he is, puts his hand on Ann's arm with a smirk on his face. Yes, attempt to get with the woman who's husband was vaporized five seconds ago! David just gets more likable ever page. After Ann takes off with Benny to grieve, David gets a call.

David: Yes, sir...absolutely no chance of survival...we don't know how it happened. I'm on my way.

NavekDavid: I'll be there as soon as I finish banging the receptionist.

Navek: We then cut to Chapter Two; in the same comic after only one page of ads.

CAP: Onboard the alien ship...

Navek: Yes, because we couldn't tell this wasn't a human ship without that caption. Anyway, the mystery pale guy is tampering with a machine that fires a laser into a tube, that turns into Stephen. He wakes up and has the expected reaction.

Stephen: AAHHHHRRGGHH! WHAT HAPPENED?! WHERE AM I?!

Pale Alien: Oh, english...I can handle that.

A-Bomb: Who speaks perfect english! Seriously, I am one who thinks that's weird?

Navek: The alien guy says he was a bit off his course for a joyride and didn't know that there any manned satellites this deep in space. Stephen is confused by his wording so the alien elaborates.

Pale Alien: I'm Max, from the colony Fortisque, Sector 22. We seeded this galaxy...

Navek: Dammit Max, now you've made those jackoffs on Ancient Aliens right about something!

Max: Every seventy seven years or so by your count, a traditional information gathering ceremony is launched. You call it Halley's Comet.

Stephen: You mean to tell me that Halley's comet...

Max: Right! It's a ship.

Navek: So Halley's comet in the Marvel Universe is a spaceship created by a race of being that created the human race. How come no one has referenced this?! This is awesome! Max explains that he managed to pick up all of Stephen's molecules after he was vaporized and reassembled him, but couldn't rebuild the pod since his ship isn't equipped to reconstruct anything non-organic. He also gives Stephen some stare cloths, which will become his superhero costume. Max also states that the machine that brought him back was calibrated to Fortisquian standards, so Stephen is now a fully evolved humanoid. He suggests they go back to his home colony to fully examine Stephen, but he states that his wife and kid still thinks he's dead so he better go to them. Max disagrees, but he's already behind schedule and wishes Stephen luck, grabbed his hand and teleporting him outside the ship, now with a purple mask on his face. Stephen thinks Max just dumped him.

Stephen: I'm lost in space.

Navek: I get it! Stephen soon starts to get a hang of his powers, flying through space at high speeds. He soon starts thinking about returning to base, and suddenly ends up at his office.

Stephen: I'm in my office! What the...I must've-what's it called...? Teleported here somehow!

NavekStephen: And someone already took my stapler.

Navek: He calls the front office to talk to his wife, but they send David since the last thing they knew about Dr. Beckley was that he lit up like a firecracker. David enters the office and upon seeing a man he thought was dead until a few seconds ago, has a thought that further makes me dislike him.

David: No! It's not fair! I could've had Ann back, but now I've lost her to him again!

Navek: Time and place! A guy just came back from the dead! Stephen explains to David what happened to him and David claims they have to keep him under quarantine for a bit to examine his new biology and debrief him. Stephen asks him to tell Ann he's alive, and David lies, wanting Ann to think he's still dead. We then begin Chapter 3 and see Stephen's powers, which includes super-strength, telekinesis, telepathy and flight (which is probably an extension of his telekinesis.) Due an assistant's bumbling, David is almost crushed by a giant steel mechanism, but Stephen unfortunately saves him. Even after the guy saves his life, David still thinks that he's in his way. After all this, Stephen and David talk over dinner about Max and if he poses a threat to Earth, but Stephen's food was drugged, knocked him out as David calls someone to initiate 'Phase 2'. Meanwhile, Ann and Benny are taken by shady federal agents. Afterwards, David is in the office of 'the Superior', a guy covered by shadows. David believes they should intercept Max's ship before it leaves the galaxy, because I guess they can do that. We also get some symbolism with the Superior releasing a small bird into a cage and attacked by a bigger bird. Next scene.

CAP: 15 hours later in an underground laboratory in Langley, Virginia, Dr. Beckley's comet flight suit undergoes testing.

Navek: No doubt so Agent Stan Smith can use it for something mundane and stupid.

CAP: In a strange, liquid filled containment tank, Stephen Beckley is violated by probe sensors from head to toe.

Robot Chicken clip: No butt stuff! No butt stuff!

Navek: Thanks for that mental image, comic! Stephen wakes up and sees David who tells him that he is at Bridge research, a covert intelligence facility.

David: Yes, yes. We've had a lot of bad press lately.

NavekDavid: Mostly from women who have been sueing me for sexual harassment. Turns out 'no' does mean 'no.'

Navek: David continues to give exposition, explaining that Firewatch's last readings showed phenomenal energy readings and explains that if Stephen cooperates with them, he'll get to see his family again.

David: In the meantime, I'll personally see to it Ann has everything she needs!

Navek: And our comics ends with Stephen scowling at David in anger.

CAP: Continued Next Issue..."Try on set the night fire."

Navek: 'We didn't the fire! It was always burning since the world's been turning!' Anyway, this comic is great. It sets the tone for the series, gives us a hero who is kind and with an interesting power set and a villain who we really want to see get punched in the face. The art and dialogue are top notch, especially for the era this comic was made in. We might get back to this comic later, but I don't have the rest of the series yet. But next time, we jump forward a decade to the Dark Age of comics, and look at one of the greatest comics of that decade; The Authority!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.


	2. Superman 32

Author's Note: I know the last chapter said I'd be reviewing the Authority, but I couldn't make it entertaining.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except a library card and a physical copy of this comic.

Navek: Welcome to the Comicversity, where we take a look at the best of nerd culture. Today we're gonna talk about the OG superhero himself... SUPERMAN!

(Play the Superman Theme)

Navek: Back during my raging fanboy days, I believed in the negative complaints about the Man of Steel. That's he too overpowered and boring. But then I watched a movie called 'Superman VS The Elite' where Superman's idealism was challenged by a group of anti-heroes. And what Superman said at the end, about how he'll fight until kindness and decency are the realty, it really moved me. I also realized that I hadn't actually read a Superman comic before I believed those bullshit claims. I read 'All-Star Superman', James Robinson's Superman run, and 90s Superman Animated Series, so now I can say that Superman is now one of favorite superheroes.

And unfortunately, when DC relaunched as the New 52, many fans were pissed at how Superman being portrayed. How he would threaten business men, or had one qualms with killing things. His marriage to Lois Lane was gone and both the Kents died before he became Superman. I also have my own grips about this, but it seems that DC is trying their hardest to redeem their flagship hero. Superman: Unchained and most of Greg Pak's work on Action Comics and Batman/Superman show the heart and greatness of the Man of Steel (unlike the crappy movie of the same name). And around last year, they decided to hand the reigns to two greats of the comic book industry; Geoff Johns (who wrote one of my favorite comics, JSA) and John Romita Jr.

JRJR has a special place in my heart since the JMS Spider-Man run that he penciled was the first comics I actually read all the way through.

So without further or do, let's dig into Superman #32. The start of the Johns and Romita run.

The cover is a wraparound featuring Clark Kent changing into the Superman costume. And for those of you that don't know, Superman's costume in the New 52 is a type of Kryptonian armor, which I don't have a real problem with. The comic begins 25 years ago at the Ulysses Research Center.

CAP: The best and brightest minds from across the Earth deserted their military jobs and came here because they all shared the same dreams.

NavekCAP: We were finally going to figure out what makes the other 60% of Juicy Fruit.

Navek: We see that all the scientists are running out of lab as the PA system says there is a hazardous leak and that "Dimension Two has been breached." We also see two scientist called Bridget and Peter carrying their infant son. They try to escape, but the lab has been locked to contain the dimension leak.

Peter: It's already absorbed the East Wing.

Navek: I would make a West Wing joke, but I haven't watched it and I don't care to. Anyway, the two scientists realize that the lab has been set to self-destruct to keep the 'strange matter' from engulfing the Earth.

Peter: Listen to me, Bridget. We're going to die. There is no escape for us, but we can still save our son!

TFS Goku: I'm having the strangest case of Dijon Mustard right now.

Navek: They plan on saying their son by sending him to Dimension Four, a dimension that has an Earth similar to our own and has intelligent life.

Bridget: The air there is saturated with undefinable energy.

Peter: That we've theorized could potentially empower human physiology.

Bridget: But even if our son survives the trip, what will the beings there do to him?

Director Bullock: Weird stuff. Butt stuff.

Peter: He looks enough like them.

Bridget: But he's not like them, Peter. He'll never be like them.

TFS Frieza: I feel like we've been here before. Have we been here before?

Navek: Peter says that they established the URC to search for a better world for their family and that Dimension Four is it. And that if there was room in the probe, they would go with their son Neil. And as the building crumbles around them, they send their son through the dimensional gateway. We flip the page and see the probe breach into the dimension with energy reflected in Neil's eyes. We then cut open to present day Metropolis and an AWESOME two-page spread of Superman punching a giant robot gorilla! This is why comics are so great! Where else can you say that's happened? As Superman is fighting King Kong's cybernetic doppelganger, Jimmy Olsen is nearby taking pictures.

Jimmy: Come on, Superman! You got him on the ropes! This is your big shot!

Navek: Jimmy Olsen, fight coordinator. Jimmy takes a picture of the fight and later that day, we see the photo is too burly to make out, angering Daily Planet Editor-and-chief Perry White.

BATB Perry White: Great Ceaser's Ghost!

Navek: Ya, that's the one. Perry and Jimmy talk about how Jimmy doesn't need to work at the Planet since his parent's are missing and has all their money to due to a clerical error, but Jimmy states that if he uses any of that money, his parents will make him pay them back when they return.

Perry: So they're not exactly parents of year.

Navek: Well them and Gendo Ikari. Perry gives Jimmy a voucher for his photo as Clark Kent enters the room. Perry and Clark leave Jimmy as they go to chat. They talk about the most popular headlines featuring Superman's first arrival in Metropolis, his death and resurrection.

Perry: Flying people, alien invasions, Superman returning from the grave! I really believed I'd seen it all, but now this happens. "Lex Luthor saves the world!"

Navek: In case anyone was wondering, this is referring to the event 'Forever Evil', where Lex Luthor defeated the Crime Syndicate in exchange for clearing his criminal record. He's also now a member of the Justice League because of this, which you guys can follow in the pages of Justice League, which is also being written by Geoff Johns.

ItsJustSomeRandomGuy Heroes: Continuity! Boom!

Navek: Clark and Perry talk about how Clark seems a bit distant from everyone lately after he left the Daily Planet.

Perry: But everyone needs someone to talk to, Kent. I'm not saying I'm that person for you-because I am not-but you need to go out there and find someone who is. It can't be that hard, can it?

Navek: On the next two pages, we see Clark going back to his apartment alone, Diana canceling on their date (Superman and Wonder Woman are dating in the New 52) due to family issues, eating dinner alone and looking at a scrapbook with full of pictures of the Kents.

(One is the lonelyest number that you've ever known.)

However, Clark hears someone crying for help, and takes off as Superman. Above Metropolis is a ship that looks like splinter firing lighting at the city below. Superman flies up at the ship.

Superman: First things first, let's see who's in here.

Navek: He proceeds to open the ship, but gets blasted into a truck as someone in a cloak watches the battle on a monitor.

Cloaked Man: Come on now, Superman...Clark...you always get up when you get knocked down.

NavekCloaked Man: Except that time when you died, but you did come back to life so I'm counting that.

Navek: The alien, looking an awful lot like a blue Chitauri confronts Superman on the ground. Superman fires his heat vision, but it somehow goes berserk for a bit. Future plot point activated! However, the alien just shrugs it off and starts laying into the Man of Steel, until a bright crackle of energy burst between the two, and a blonde man with a U on his chest bursts through, knocking the alien back through the streets. The two yell at each other in alienese as Superman gets back up, and in another great two-page spread, Superman and the blonde dude punch out the alien as blue energy crackles around them. Jack Kirby would be proud. Superman thanks the guy for helping him as asks if he understands him.

Blonde Guy: You... you are speaking... english?

Superman: Yes. You're in Metropolis. In America.

Blonde: America? No. This isn't possible. Klerik said he's find my homeworld and destroy it. I believed it to be gone and that his threats were empty, but...it wasn't destroyed...Earth survived.

Superman: Who are you?

Ulysses: They call me Ulysses. I thought I was the Last Son of Earth, but...I'm not alone.

Next: The New Superman

Barney Stinson: New is always better.

Navek: This comic is great. Geoff John's writing shows that he does get Superman, and sets up plot points that would be resolved later in the book. It helps new readers catch up through dialogue that never sounds forced, and John Romita Jr. does a great job with the art as always. If you're a fan of Superman, definitely pick up this run and any of the other books I mentioned before. And while JRJR may have been the first artist I recognized, next time, we take a look at the comics that got me into the media: The Mighty Avengers by Dan Slott!


	3. The Mighty Avengers 21

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except signed copies of these issues! Thank you, Dan Slott!

Navek: Welcome to the Comicversity, where we take a look at the best of nerd culture. Well, Marvel has started releasing previews for the All-New, All-Different Avengers, the post-Secrets Wars roster. We have Kamala Khan, the current Ms. Marvel, the Sam Alexander Nova, Female Thor, the Vision (who will no doubt become more popular after Age of Ultron), Spider-Man (Miles Morales), Captain America (Sam Wilson), and Iron Man (Not sure if it's a reformed Tony Stark or someone else). And unsurprisingly, the comic book 'true fans' *cough* immature jackasses *cough* are already dismissing this team, calling them the wannabe Avengers and other dumb names. You know, the same who said the Miles Morales was gonna be a shitty Spider-Man but ended up loving the character. The same dumbasses that said that new Captain America and Thor would suck. In other words...

Superbitch-Prime: Everything was better on my Earth!

Navek: Would you people at least wait until you read the damn book to judge and bitch about it?! Now me personally, I'm pretty stoked for this team. And probably because one of my favorite parts of the superhero genre is the Legacy Character trope, where the mantle of a hero is passed down to another individual. It's something that's been going on since the Silver Age of comics and one of the reasons why Justice Society of America/JSA was my favorite pre-New 52 DC comic. And the series that got me to start picking up comics regularly also used the theme of Legacies. Now I don't think it's a big secret that the Avengers are my favorite superhero franchise.

(Show fanfic icon)

Navek: But I loved the Avengers three years before the movies came out. My first exposure to Earth's Mightiest Heroes was the 2006 animated movie Ultimate Avengers and the video game Marvel: Ultimate Alliance. And after seeing the end credits scene for Iron Man...

MCU Nick Fury: I'm here to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.

Navek: Ya, that scene, I started researching, picking up old comics of the team and I feel in love with this awesome team. But around 2008, when I first wanted to start picking up comics, I didn't have a lot to chose from. Secret Invasion had just ended and the Dark Reign had begun. There were four Avengers books, but Dark Avengers and New Avengers didn't really interest me, and while Avengers: The Initiative was good, it just didn't capture to same feeling I got from reading the classic Avengers comics. But as I scrolled through the solicitations, I saw a cover that feature three Avengers from the Classic era of the Avengers and saw that the storyline was called 'Earth's Mightiest." This was Mighty Avengers #21 by Dan Slott and Khoi Pham. To this day, this sixteen-issue run is still my favorite run in both the Avengers franchise and in all of comics. So with the newest Avengers movie and roster reveal coming this May, I've decided to take a look at The Mighty Avengers #21. So without further or do, let's dig in.

The covers are all drawn by Khoi Pham and are interconnected that shows nine characters that appear in this arc. Issue #21 shows Hank Pym in a new costume, again, Jocasta, the Scarlet Witch (I will get to why this was a big deal to me in a bit). Issue #22 shows Hercules...

Music: Who was the glading gladiator? HERCULES!

Navek: Not that one! And not the Dwayne Johnson one either. Iron Man, and U.S. Agent, a more aggressive version of Captain America. Issue #23 features the size-changing Stature, the Hulk and the teenage version of the Vision.

Now there is a lot of history that goes into this run, but thankfully we have a nice recap page to catch us up.

RECAP: The secret invasion by the shape-shifting alien race known as the Skrulls is over, but their defeat did not come without a cost to the heroes of Earth-the greatest of which was the death of Janet Van Dyne, the founding Avenger known as the Wasp.

Navek: Linkara, if you're reading this by chance, I now know how you felt when Bart Allen and the Joker's Daughter were killed during Countdown. The recap says how Hank Pym, Jan's former husband, was abducted by the Skrulls and is now scorned since his likeness was used to spearhead to invasion. Tony Stark AKA Iron Man has also been discharged as head of the Mighty Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D. and Norman Osborn AKA the former Green Goblin has been handed the job

Green Goblin: YOU SON OF A #%^*! I'M GONNA *&amp;#%^ * #&amp;(#&amp; W%^*&amp;^%^*%&amp;#&amp;^#*#E&amp;*&amp;^#&amp; UP RICHARD GERE'S ASS!

Navek: Nope, nothing colossally stupid about that decision.

RECAP: But this wasn't the worst day in Avengers history. That occurred when they torn apart by one of their own.

(Show the cover of Avengers Disassembled with the Imperial March in the background.)

Navek: The less I talk about that the better. Long story short, there were two comics called Avengers Disassembled and House of M. They sucked and ruined the Scarlet Witch's character for years. THE END! We open to the remains of Avengers Mansion.

CAP: Once home to Earth's Mightiest Heroes, it lives on as a meeting place for a new generation of champions: The Young Avengers.

Navek: We see Vision, who by this point was a teenage robot possessing the armor of Iron Lad, the teenage version of Avengers villain Kang the Conqueror. Comics can be weird. On his shoulder is his girlfriend Stature, the daughter the second Ant-Man Scott Lang, who you'll be seeing in the Ant-Man movie later this year. The two are there because one of their teammates Wiccan, has detected a major mystical threat.

Vision: My communications systems are acting up. And my WiFi is down.

Stature: Ha. Never thought I'd be dating somebody with built-in WiFi.

Navek: Just wait a few years. I'm sure Apple will make something like that. The two have a sweet couple moment and then continue walking through the statues of former Avengers members, Stature recognizing the recently deceased Janet Van Dyne. However, the see that their friends have been turned to stone! The two quickly notice that whatever turned them to stone is spreading and they take to the sky, where they see a familiar face.

Vision: No! It can't be. Not her. The Scarlet Witch has returned!

CAP: Silence. None of the three can or will speak. All the Vision can hear is the echo of old programming, faint screams made up of zeroes and one, telling him to run. For Stature, all she hears is the pounding of her heart.. She's flush with fear. And anger. This is the woman killed her father.

Navek: Yes, in the beginning of Brian Michael Bendis' run of the Avengers, Scott Lang was blow up the reanimated corpse of a former teammate, and She-Hulk went mad and ripped the original Vision to shreds. And apparently, the Scarlet Witch caused both these deaths. Great way to start an era, Bendis! But before they know it, the Scarlet Witch teleports the two away as New York by, I shit you not, a tidal wave of blood!

Newswoman: For those who can still here me, who are still listening, there's something you need to know, the Mighty Avengers are here!

Navek: Or rather the Dark Avengers, which are Osborn in the Iron Patriot armor, the villain/Anti-Hero Moonstone disguised as Ms. Marvel, Mac Gargan AKA Scorpion AKA Venom, disguised as Spider-Man, and the Sentry, who follows the tradition of Bendis ruining decent characters. As Osborn talks with the newslady, we also get some exposition that shows San Francisco encased in solid amber, the seas over Atlantis boiling and Wakanda is in flames.

Osborn: Listen to me. Trust me. This is Norman Osborn, and I'm telling you, all the people of the world: We're going to be alright.

Tien: I don't believe you.

Trunks: I can't believe you.

Piccolo: And I don't care.

Navek: We cut to Southern border of Kansas where longtime Avengers butler Edwin Jarvis, like everyone else who read Dark Avengers, calls bully on Osborn's proclamation. However, he stops when he finds himself in Texas instead of Oklahoma, which has disappeared from the world, taking Thor and Asgard with. I'll explain it later for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about.

Jarvis: So much for divine intervention.

Navek: But you do that there's one godly Avenger still kicking. Hercules! And if anyone ever wondered were the Aquaman from Brave and the Bold got his personality from, you can probably thank this guy.

Jarvis: Thank the Gods!

Hercules: I'll sure to pass that along.

Navek: He introduces Jarvis to his friend Amadeus Cho, the seventh smartest guy on Earth. Which brings up one of my complaints about the Marvel Universe despite how awesome it is. Why are the smartest heroes all guys? I mean we got females who are smart character-wise, but I mean being able to create portals to the Negative Zone with stuff they find in their garage smart. The closest thing we got is Ultimate Sue Storm. Anyway, Hercules explains they're going to need real Avengers to fight all the crazyness happening all over the world. Jarvis thinks they were here for Thor, but Amadeus explains that they were here for Jarvis since he's always been the constant throughout all of Avengers history. Jarvis decides to go with them in their flying car (yes there are flying cars in the Marvel Universe), and head North to who he thinks should lead this team. We then cut to the other Bendis Avengers team called the New Avengers (Bucky as Captain America, Spider-Man, Carol Danvers as Ms. Marvel, and Wolverine, who is now dead and Clint Barton as Ronin) in Philadelphia fighting hentai tentacle vines. However, they're quickly overrun by the Chia-pets from Hell as the Scarlet Witch appears, saddened that Captain America has died and leaves as Clint yells out her name.

Clint: Wanda? WANDA!

Orihime: KUROSAKI-KUN!

Eren: TITANS!

Navek: SHUT UP! So with Cap dead, the Wicked Witch of the Red ports to Canada and abducts U.S. Agent before he's eaten by bugs like the rest of Omega Flight. When then cut to Stark Aerospace Labs, where a ring of volcanoes has erupted as Iron Man tries to save everyone in the facility. Tony rants about all the crap that's happened to him in the past two years (in real world time) as he decides to save the experimental macro-boosters by strapping himself to the boosters and launching into space. That's sounds really stupid when you say it out loud. Elsewhere, the Hulk is almost frozen over...

Elsa: Let it go!

Navek: No, not doing that! But he breaks out of the ice, because he's the Hulk, goddamnit! And the Scarlet Porter ports them out. Meanwhile, Cho, Hercules and Jarvis are in mall in Chicago, where Hank Pym has apparently set up shop in a maintenance closet. Hercules knocks on the door, but is told...

Oz: Go home and come back tomorrow!

Navek: But Jarvis has better luck as Jocasta opens the door and let's them in, where they seem to enter a different room.

Hercules: Ye gods! Look at the size of this place! What transpires here? Did Pym shrink us upon entering?

Jocasta: No. Dr. Pym has been experimenting with shrinking portions of time and space. This entire lab exists in what he calls a PYM POCKET.

Amadeus: Cool. Like the TARDIS. Very "Doctor Who."

Clara: It's smaller on the outside.

Navek: Hank is pissed that Jocasta let them and Jarvis tries to recite the Avengers oath, but Hank says that won't work since he wrote that into the charter. Let's let this fact and the Pym Pocket to the Hank Pym Awesome Counter:

HPAC: 2

Hank: Now if you don't mind, I'm in the middle of some extremely important work. It could change the very nature of a universe. Not out universe, mind you. But that's still very impressive.

Jarvis: That's a new uniform. Might I inquire, for the sake of addressing you, which of you codenames accompanies it?

Hank: A new one. I'm calling myself the Wasp.

Navek: For the record, he's gone by Ant-Man, Giant-Man, Goliath, Yellowjacket, Dr. Pym and now the Wasp. Six superhero IDs, almost as much as Dick Grayson. The group starts to trade notes, Wasp downgrading Cho to 8th smartest, and they realize, alongside Iron Man observing from space, that all this chaos is being created by magic and at the center is Mount Wundagore, where a bunch of weird magic shit has happened before. We cut to Wundagore, where a creepy dude called Modred, who has an anthropomorphic cow lady called Bova...because comics, chained up next to him and holden a dark book of darkness. Bova begs him to stops this madness, but he keeps magically grafting the text into his body and soul.

Modred: I am no longer the sage, I am the scripture! No longer the mage, I am the spell! I am Modred no more! Now and forever, I am the Darkhold!

Navek: But his insane villain speech is ruined by someone off-panel moaning in pain. Modred doesn't like his mad ramblings being interrupted and blasts him with magic. But enough of that dark stuff, we then cut back to the Pymdis where Wasp is asking why they want him to lead them. The others explain the other heroes are missing, including the Fantastic Four.

Jocasta: They've been reduced to television signals. They're on channel four. They're on every channel four.

Navek: I get it! Hercules tells Hank to stop his bitching and makes him admit that he's afraid to lead the Avengers and Hank explains the early days of the Avengers from his point of view. And this isn't retconing. This is actually very accurate to the first issues of the Avengers, including Hank coming up with the plan that defeated Loki and coming up with the idea to form the Avengers.

HPAC: 4

Navek: But he quickly admits that after he discovered his Giant-Man powers, that he was still clumsy with this new power, and decides to go back to his role as the smart guy, but he shrinks down as Iron Man walks into the room, and takes off his mask.

Hank: That's when I learned-years before anyone else, that under that armor, he was Tony Stark. The billionaire genius. The modern renaissance man. Next to him, I was less than nothing. And far from the smartest man in the room.

Navek: However, Amadeus tells him not to whine and put Stark on a pedestal.

Amadeus: When you were off-planet, you know what Stark did to my pal, the Hulk?

Hank: Shot him into space.

Amadeus: Know what happened next?

Hank: He came back madder and stronger.

Hercules: You heard about the Civil War that took place during your absence?

Hank: Yes. Stark led one side. And because of their actions, my friends Bill Foster and Steve Rogers died.

Jarvis: Doctor Pym, you were with me on the Skrull ship. We heard the stories of how Tony and his friends launched a secret, preemptive strike against the Skrull Empire and lost. It was their capture that gave the Skrulls the tools to invade us. Henry, you were locked away. And in that time, the world fell into chaos. Smartest or not, sir, we need you in that room.

Navek: Hank, moved by their words, decides to help them. After showing him his new gimmick (that he has 900 tools shrunk into his handle and makes them grow with a smartchip)...

HPAC: 5

As they decide to head off, Hank shows that the Pym Pockets can also link to different points in space-time. And as they step out.

Hercules: Transia! We're in Transia! Ha! Pym, you built a magic door!

HPAC: 6

Navek: But they soon see that the Scarlet Witch is hovering above them, who tells Hank that she has gathered an army of heroes that he has to summon.

(The Avengers movie theme starts playing)

Hank: What? A spell? Some kind of incantation?

Jarvis: Sir, if I may, you're thinking too hard. You know the words. Go on, say them. Say them at the top of your lungs!

Navek: And thus, we get an awesome two-page spread with the heroes being summoned as Hank says the greatest battle-cry ever said in comic book history!

Hank: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

HPAC: 7

Navek: This moment is so awesome that even Modred can sense them as he completes the ritual, bringing his god into the imprisoned man.

Modred: Fill this vessel! Claim it as your own! Arise, Maximoff, and walk the Earth once more!

Being: Walk? HA HA HA! Why walk? When I can RUNNNN! And for the record, my dear record, Pietro Maximoff, the one called Quicksilver, is gone. I AM CHTHON! And this world, this reality, shall fall before me in the blink of an eye!

Navek: I can say without the slightest hint of a doubt that this comic is one of the greatest comics I've ever read. Yes, this is my biased opinion, but I still highly recommend you pick up this by either finding the individual issues or trades that collect the series. It does an amazing job setting up the series, has great artwork, and while it's heavy with continuity, it's presented in a way that new readers can still enjoy it. But it's even better if you do know about the continuity. Also another thing that I like is that the opening arc for this series is done in three issues as opposed to the usual six-issue made-for-trade arcs. We will definitely keep looking at this series in later chapters, but next time, I'm actually balancing my act by talking about stuff I don't like in the next chapter:

Next Time: My 10 most aggravating cliches


	4. My five least favorite cliches

Disclaimer: I don't own squat.

Navek: Welcome to the Comicversity, where we take a look at the best of nerd culture. However, today we're taking a look at certain tropes and cliches that when they appear, my reaction is either boredom, groaning or pure anger. So let's take a look and remember that this is my own opinion. If you like these tropes/cliches, good for you. But I personally don't like these.

(Play Everything you know is wrong by Weird Al)

Number 5: Voices are Mental

Navek: Now this is usually only present in animation, where two people swap bodies in a story, they retain their voices despite being in different bodies. Now as a kid, I didn't realize this, but as I grew older, I realized how utterly stupid this is. Biology does not work like that!

(Allan Greenspan doesn't work that way!)

Now some might make an argument that this is too keep the viewers from being confused at who's who. But that's stupid for two reasons. One, kids aren't that stupid! Two, there is more is distinguish a character then just their voice. Three examples of a body-swap story that's averted this trope is the Fairy Tail episode 'The Changeling', the Batman: The Brave and the Bold episode were Batman switches bodies with Kathy Kane and Team Four Star's version of the Ginyu Body Swap plot. The bodies retained their respective voices, but we were able to tell who was who based on how they talked and how they acted.

Another thing I don't like about this trope how no know ever notices something is up with their voices! The excuses they use range from puberty to being sick, and it's just moronic. In the Batman episode I mentioned above, it was easier to believe that the supporting cast would have trouble figuring out what happened because the voices of the bodies didn't change with the swap. Nightwing and Batgirl were still suspicious of Batman's weird behavior and didn't just forget about it. Plus, I think it's funnier if the characters do maintain the natural voices and act differently.

Batman: Does this costume make me look fat?

Navek: Voices are Mental, a trope that makes no sense when you think about it for even a second.

Number 4: Dubbing Americanization

Navek: Anyone who has ever watched a 4kids adapted anime knows what I'm talking about. This is where they take out anything Japanese-related in an anime, take it out and makes the series weird without it. In some cases, having American pop culture jokes can work. Sgt. Frog and Hetallia are more funny to me because I understand the references. But those anime still follow the original plots and stories of their japanese counterparts. This process includes cutting out any material that they think would be too 'riske' for younger audiences. But here's some advice. If the anime you're trying to adapt has a lot of material that you don't think should be seen by kids, then don't adapt it at all!

Another example of this is changing the names of characters to more american names besides the main character. The only exception I have for this is Yu-Gi-Oh! GX, since it takes in a school meant for international students, so it wouldn't make a lot of sense if all the characters were Japanese.

But the biggest sin for this kind of adaptation is what they do to the music of the series. Such as taking a Magical girl series like Mew-Mew, and giving them a rap song! WHAT! THE! HELL! I'm not even a Mew-Mew fan and even I can tell that's a stupid decision. And most of the series they adapt have good music that fits the tone of show, but for reason, they decide that anything representing another culture is not okay for kids to see.

(Power Rangers does not fit into this category by the way.)

Number 3: Harem

Navek: I am probably going to piss off so many people for this, but I personally think that the only place where harems are good... is hentai! Now don't get me wrong! There are exceptions to every rule. Amagami SS gave us multiple scenarios where the main character would interact and fall for a different girl in each scenario. And none of those individual stories ever devolved into a harem.

But the reason I don't like this genre is usual because of male protagonist. Usual, they are bland, uninteresting dorks that somehow make four-to-five girls want to bang him just because he was slightly nice to them. And they are also indecisive and never do the sensible thing of picking one of girls to be his girlfriend and tell the other horny idiots to knock it off! This is suppose to be because the guy doesn't want to hurt any of their feelings, but that's just stupid.

One exception is Shuffle!, where the guy actually did choose the girl he actually liked to be his girlfriend. And then there's Issei from Highschool DXD.

Issei (shouting with glee): I'M GONNA HAVE A HAREM!

Navek: One of reasons I like Issei is because unlike other harem protagonists who usual whine and complain about the fact that women are trying to have sex with them, he meets all the weird sexual stuff that happens around him with glee. At least in hentai, the guys usual accept the offers of sex they get. Also, love triangles don't count as harems, since those are usually good.

(Shows a picture of Twilight and KissXSis)

Navek: Most of the time. And if you need any other reason why I don't like this trope, my most hated anime is a harem. Harems, the only use for these is porn.

Number 2: The Government is Evil for No Reason

Navek: You see this comics, in movies, in anime. Hell, even in kid's shows you see this. And that is the government are a bunch of evil and vindictive twats. We have the Superhuman Registration Act in Marvel, Project Cadmus in DC. Look, I get the fact that the government would be suspicious of people with powers, but the extremes they tend to go to are just ridiculous.

Number 1: Tsunderes. DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY I HATE THIS TROPE?! Some of the worst female characters in anime are Tsundere. Louise from Familiar of Zero, Asuka from Evangelion, and especially NARU NARUSEGAWA from Love Hina. These characters are not enduring, not funny and most the tsunderes aren't even that attractive (at least to me) and I would never date one of them in real life.

I don't care if they have an inner kindness or have a troubled past, that's no excuse to physically abusing their supposed love interests and certainly not worth the trouble. Also, most these bitches are insecure about their bust size and try to shame anyone who likes bigger breasts. Sorry ladies, but I like to have something to grab onto and a women who won't bash my brains in for something I didn't do.

So that's my most hated cliches. But I also have news for people. I have officially joined a new app called Comics Amino, which is like facebook or tumblr for Comic book fans. My codename is Navek. I've also started writing commissions on Deviantart. So if you have a story idea but no time to write it, please visit http(colon) journal/Writing-Commissions-Guideline-529921161 and just remove the parenthesis' and enter the right punctuations in place of the words.

I hope to see you guys soon. Please read and review and stay tuned for the next chapter of the Comicversity, where we dive into the Multiverse of take a tour of DC's Earth-2!


	5. Ultimate Comics Avengers 1 & 2

AN: I don't anything except an actual copy of the mini-series.

Navek: Welcome to the Comicversity, where we take a look at the best of nerd culture. And I know I said we'd be looking at Earth-2 last time, but I kinda wanted to wait until Earth-2 Society came out so I can make more jokes. But we are taking a look at the Marvel Equivalent of Earth-2: The Ultimate Universe! Recently in the newest Marvel event Secret Wars, both the Ultimate and Main Marvel universes were destroyed and recreated as Battleworld. And while I'm excited for how this event and the aftermath plays out, part me is going to miss the Ultimate U.

After Dan Slott's run on Mighty Avengers was over, aside from a few books, the next line of books I was collecting was the Ultimate Universe run. Part of that was because I had recently found out that the Marvel movies had taken inspiration from the Ultimate comics and it had less history and books than the main Marvel Universe. But after the Cataclysm event, I've just lost interest in the Ultimate books, especially since the Ultimates were no longer in a book of there own. Sure there was the All-New Ultimates book that focused on a younger team, but I just never read it even though I'm sure it was fine.

But today, we're not talking about the Ultimates, sort of. You see, after the insultingly bad event Ultimatum, Mark Millar, one of the pioneers of the Ultimate Universe, was brought back to do an ongoing series that turned into three different mini-series with no delays in between so why even bother to make them into three mini-series?! And while I said this story-blog thing was about looking at the best of Nerd culture, Mark Millar has sort of become I divided writer in my opinion. While his work on Ultimates was one of the first comics I read, I've also noticed his overuse of violence and sex in his works. I haven't really read one of his comics in a while, so maybe their still good despite my grown tastes. So let's dig into Ultimate Comics Avengers #1-2 and see if it still holds up.

The covers are all good, since both the covers and interior art are done by Carlos Pacheco, one of my personal favorite artists. Issue 1 is actually a wrap-around cover that featured characters that would appear in the three miniseries in one way or another, except Sue Storm and Ben Grimm. Issue 2's cover isn't bad, but it's just Hawkeye with his guns and Cap with his shield out.

Issue #1 begins with a close-up of Ultimate Nick Fury given the reaction everyone had after reading Ultimatum.

Nick Fury: What the % #&amp;?

Navek: The above captions inform us that this takes place three weeks after Ultimatum, and the next two-page spread shows the Triskelion (Ultimate S.H.I.E.L.D.'s headquarters) in being rebuilt.

Nick: I disappear for ten minutes and the whole place goes to hell.

NavekNick: Can't a guy just get banished to a parallel universe that he almost destroyed for a few months with his own universe nearly being destroyed?

Navek: Hawkeye tells Fury that the base is 75% operational and then Nick Fury says something that utterly infuriates me.

Nick: Oh, yeah. I forgot you guys were all cozy again since S.H.I.E.L.D. got castrated by our nice, new president. Well, tell Carol Danvers this is where openness and accountability get you: super-powered lunatics thinking you're a soft touch.

Navek: Uhhhhhh, where do I even being with that statement? First off, Magneto flooded the world because he thought both his kids had died. I doubt that he was thinking about if S.H.I.E.L.D. was able to stop him since his plan was to flood the world. Second, this kind of thinking that a government organization being open to new ideas and being held accountable for their actions is somehow a bad thing just pisses my off. In this day and age of police brutality, mass shootings and unauthorized drone strikes, we need more accountability! Not less!

Hawkeye tells Nick he's sorry that he lost his job as Director of S.H.I.E.L.D., but he tells Nick that Captain America has gone rogue and the current director Carol Danvers needs Fury to lead a black ops team to capture him before he goes public.

Hawkeye: He found out, Nick. Cap knows about the Red Skull.

NavekHawkeye: He knows we can't have him appear in another movie because Hugo Weaving is a snobbish douche.

Navek: We cut back to yesterday in Chicago...

Dick from American Dad: Chicago! Chicago! Illinois.

Navek: Where Hawkeye is changing for his life on a helicopter. The terrorists in the chopper say that Captain America can't help him because he got caught in an explosion. But in the next panel, we get Captain America bursting through and window while on a motorcycle!

AMERICA! FUCK YEAH! COMING AGAIN TO SAVE THE MOTHERFUCKING DAY YEAH!

Cap: Yeah, right. What kind of girl gets stopped by a bomb?

NavekCap: My lesser known superpower is that my penis can negate explosions. I'm just that awesome.

Navek: Cap jumps onto the helicopter and does what he does best, kicking terrorist ass. After disposing of the terrorists, Hawkeye holds the pilot by gunpoint to keep them in the air, and reports to SHIELD control, revealing the terrorists they were fighting were the Ultimate Universe's version of A.I.M. and that they're in pursuit of the 2nd AIM chopper.

Back at the Triskelion, Carol Danvers describes AIM as 'Al-Qaeda with ' and ask where Iron Man is. A SHIELD grunt tells them they've tracked him to a bar in and put in on the phone. Carol is rightfully pissed that Tony left his teammates in the middle of a mission to get drunk. Especially since AIM has stolen something from the Baxter Building, headquarters of the now defunct Fantastic Four.

We then cut to Tony's location and see that it's less of a bar and more like a Fetish Club. Normally I'd be offended by the presence of a fetish in a book with 'Avengers' in the title, but this isn't the main universe so I'm just glad they had the decency to put the 'Parental Advisory' rating on this book, unlike the Rated T 'Ultimatum', which featured the Wasp being eaten alive with all her organs visible.

Back in Chicago, Cap and Hawkeye close-in on the second AIM chopper and Cap jumps into it and beats up more terrorists.

Cap: New York gets flooded and half the planet almost goes under! Who would use that as a chance to pull a robbery?

Red Skull: Ruthless Opportunists.

Navek: So we get our first look at the Ultimate Red Skull, and we see he's a more casually dressed supervillain. Where as the main universe Red Skull usually wears an elaborate Nazi coat (or Hydra if you want to get technical), this version just wears a white t-shirt and pants. Also, he has a tattoo of an iron cross on his forehead and bard wire tattoo on his forearms. Because... bad ass?

Anyway, Red Skull actually manages to beat up Captain America as he explains that the flood had screwed up the Baxter Building's defenses (that and a whale crashed through the building) and this was their only chance to steal something that would have been Reed Richard's masterpiece. Red Skull then holds up the beaten up Captain by his hair and whispers something into this ear before tossing him out of the helicopter.

In a stunning four-page sequence, Hawkeye dives down at the falling captain, catches him, and pulls Cap's parachute open.

Carol: You're insane. You know that?

Hawkeye: I believe you mean awesome.

Navek: As the two land on the ground, Hawkeye asks Cap who the hell he was fighting. And the comic ends with Cap saying five words.

Cap: He said he's my son.

DUH DUH DUH!

Navek: Surprised? I sure as hell was when I first read this book. You see, after Ultimatum, the Ultimate Universe editors basically told the writers they could do stories they couldn't tell in the main Marvel universe. Kind-of like the old What If stories but in one continuity. This was actually an awesome idea since we got stories like Reed Richards becoming the next great supervillain, Ben Grimm becoming an Ionic being, Wolverine's son and the fan-favorite Miles Morales Spider-Man. And because it's not the Main Marvel Universe, fans of that universe won't be offended by the shear what the hell material in these books.

Issue 2 opens with a flashback to Brooklyn in 1945 and Cap visiting his girlfriend Gail. Steve says he's not sure about the costume but Gail seems to like it. Really like it. As in...

Music que: Porno music

Navek: And before anyone gets traumatized by the though of Captain America having premarital sex (except Yaoi fangirls who keep paring him up with Iron Man of all people), the comic cuts to four months later after Captain America's disappearance. Gail's doctor informs her that she is in fact pregnant with Steve Roger's child. The doctor states that the situation is just as bad for her as it is for the U.S. Government, since the have to think about the reputation of a national hero is consider.

Back in present day, the Ultimates are flying back to New York with Iron Man blasting ahead of them. Hawkeye mentions that Tony's been blaming himself for Wolverine's death in Ultimatum. He and Steve start talking about the previous fight with the Red Skull, with Hawkeye saying the Skull was just messing with him. In response, Cap proceeds to kick Hawkeye in face, beat up some SHIELD personnel, and escapes the plane via an explosion. Normally I would question why Cap would do this, but considering that this world's version of SHIELD is about as effective as SHADE in Battle for Bludhaven, I can see why Cap would go AWOL.

Later at the Triskelion, Reed Richards is asking if Carol Danvers understands how serious the theft of plans from the Baxter Building could be disastrous in the hands of a terrorist organization, but she says they have their own problem to deal with. Because a rogue superhero is apparently a bigger potential threat than a group of highly intelligent terrorists stealing plans from a building that contained a portal that leads a universe full of zombies.

This is yet another example of the government being more concerned with monitoring and controlling heroes than actually dealing with real threats like A.I.M. And let me just say that this continued trope is unbearably stupid! Maybe this was compelling when it was first introduced, but by now it's gotten old and tiresome! Anyway, Carol and Hawkeye meet with Nick Fury, who starts tell them about the whole incident with Gail and Steve's kid. To Nick Fury's credit, he doesn't agree with Cap's reputation being the reason Gail had to give up the baby for adoption. Mind you, that won't excuse what we know about Nick by the end of this mini-series and the second one, I still think he's a piece a crap.

Nick tells them about how Cap's son was actually taken to a military facility. The government saw Steve as their greatest success and the kid was their second chance. The kid grows up showing to be a tactical genius and outclassed his dad by the time he hit puberty. He was also monitored by psychologists and by all accounts, the kid was happy and never even talked about escaping. However, this turned out to be part of his plan and when he reached maturity, he decided to escape. By escape, I mean brutally murder 247 people and then cutting off his face with a kitchen knife.

Nostalgia Critic: Makes sense to me!

In the present, Nick says that since then, the Red Skull has become a freelance assassin for decades and always stayed under the radar. He also suggest that they should reopen Project Avengers, which is the codename for Fury's death squad. Hawkeye is the only Ultimate permitted to go on the mission. Fury says he has his own line-up thought off, which includes Tony Stark's big brother, who can apparently hook them up with tech that Tony is too squeamish for. After a sequence of Cap learning about the Red Skull and beating up some more grunts, the comic ends with the new Black Widow calling Tony's brother about Project Avengers.

Stark: Doctor Stark, if you don't mind.

Black Widow: Excuse me, sir?

Stark: Mister Stark is my embarrassing little brother...

NavekStark in a very snobbish voice: I mean, was he genetically created by aliens to fight off world-ending threats? I think not.

Navek: I'm kind of torn up about if these comics are good or bad. On the plus side, Carlos Pacheco's artwork is gorgeous, Hawkeye's characterization is leagues above the crazy suicidal gunnut from the Ultimates 3, and I actually like the origin for the Ultimate Red Skull. On the other hand, we got Mark Millar's continued overuse of graphic violence and sex in order to make the comic 'mature', the overused government not trusting superhero trope, and as you can tell, I'm not a fan of Ultimate Nick Fury. Not because of any stupid reason like him being black, but we'll see why I don't like this guy at the end of this mini-series. Next time, we look at Issues 3 and 4. And if any of you are fans of War Machine prepare to be royally pissed.


	6. Ultimate Comics Avengers 3 & 4

Title card: Cap punches Warhole while Zeke kicks Gregory Stark in the nards while War Machine by AC/DC plays in the background.

Previously on the Comicversity: Captain America got his ass kicked by his supervillain son, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still ineffectual and Nick Fury is still a dick. So let's dig into Ultimate Comics Avengers #3 and #4 and see if this series can get better or worse.

Navek: Issue 3's cover features the Ultimate Avengers, which includes Nick Fury in the background, Hawkeye armed with a gun, War Machine, a woman wearing the classic Wasp costume, two people who appear to look like the Hulk and Spider-Man and the Black Widow in the corner.

The comic opens in Afghanistan with War Machine heading to Kandahar to rescue two captured soldiers. A group of terrorists are holding the soldiers hostage until War Machine lands in front of them. Before we go ahead, let me tell you about Air Force Colonel James Rhodes AKA War Machine AKA Iron Patriot. James is the best friend to Tony Stark, took up the mantle of Iron Man when Tony was having alcohol troubles and was given his own armor. One of the things I liked about War Machine was that he actually had a good relationship with the government and the only time he went rogue was when Norman Osborn took over. And I will say that one of the best things about all of Mark Millar's Ultimate Avengers run is that the Ultimate War Machine Armor is awesome! But back to the story.

War Machine asks the two soldiers if they're okay, and the terrorists not being stupid, decide to surrender. Now, if this was mainstream James Rhodes, he would accept their terms of surrender. What does the 'Ultimate' James Rhodes do? He tells the surrendering terrorists to shut up, aims his hand replusors, and then proceeds to blow up up the village, killing not only the terrorists, but also the children, elderly and woman in the village, who were unarmed! And what is War Machine's response when one of the soldiers rightfully calls him out for killing unarmed civilians.

War Machine: Aw, gimme a break! Five minutes ago they were prepping you for Youtube! Now button it, Michael Moore! I got a call coming from Base-Command...

Navek: Congradulations Mark Millar! You managed to turn one of the coolest heroes in the Marvel Universe into an shoot first, ask questions never asshole who cares nothing about civilian casualties.

Movie Rhodey: This is a joke, right?

Navek: We cut over to STRIKE, the UK version of SHIELD, were Fury and Hawkeye are meeting with Gregory Stark.

Hawkeye: Strange to think in all these years I've never actually met Tony's brother. Is he cool?

Fury: The man's a damn nightmare, Hawkeye. But he's ten times smarter than Tony and is completely amoral...

Navek: And I think we know where Tom Taylor go the inspiration for his Superior Iron Man run.

Gregory Stark exists his private jet and tells his assistant to trash it and buy him a new one because of a carpet stain and a mild detergent stain, because in any universe, any member of the Stark family is stupid rich. Hawkeye asks if he wants a drink like Tony would and Gregory responds like this.

Gregory: It's Nine A.M., you degenerate. Are you some kind of alcoholic? And for your information, I am nothing like my brother. That little drunk is a walking embarrassment.

NavekGregory: And instead of helping my alcoholic brother (who also has a brain tumor) by holding an intervention or getting him the help he needs, I'm just going to pretend he doesn't exist. Aren't I a great big brother.

Navek: So that's another character I already hate, from both a character standpoint, and as a big brother myself. We then cut to Israel where a bunch of assassins are planning to kill the Secretary of State. However, their operation is botched when a lady identified as the Red Wasp murders them by buzzing through their heads like a bullet and bio-frying the last assassin. Through the dialogue, we learn that this woman was actually a former villainess from the Ultimates 2 called Swarm or Insect Queen in this comic (because why would Millar remember something he wrote), so I don't have a problem with her killing people. Her handler tells her that she's going to be used for an Avengers Mission.

We then cut over to STRIKE Headquarters. Gregory informs Fury that he knowns they've already drafted Warhole (not calling him War Machine), Red Wasp and the new Black Widow, who Fury apparently knowns.

Gregory: But we need to remember that this is more than just the capture of the renegade Captain America. We also have the sensitive matter of the Red Skull's execution and the retrieval of this ultimate weapon he stole from the Fantastic Four.

Navek: Finally someone remembers the bigger threat here instead of the less threatening 'P.R. Nightmare!' Gregory states that they need every advantage they can get and that he prides himself on supplying hardware his brother wouldn't dare. We turn the page and see a bunch of surgeons working on the Hulk with his brain fully exposed.

Gregory: This isn't the real Hulk. It's a new design grown from Banner's stem cells retaining his hyper-intellect and the monster's brute strength.

Navek: So apparently supplying tech that Tony wouldn't even go near translates playing god with the genes of a creature that killed and ate over 800 people. Hawkeye, showing actually intelligence, says that the newly-named 'Nerd Hulk' (go ahead and laugh) and says that they need guys they can control. This leads them to some guy dressed as a Spider-Man in a glass tube, who is built up as some kind of psychic mastermind but will ultimately be killed by Hulked-Out Hawkeye. Next scene!

We cut over to Paris, where the Avengers are tracking Cap. Fury talks to the new Black Widow were it's revealed that they were a couple before but split-up. Widow spots someone she thinks is Captain America as Fury tells the Avenges to standby. Just as they're about to assault the guy they think is Cap, the real Captain America burst through a hotel window. He sprays Red Wasp with bug spray, tosses his shield at Black Widow, knocking her down, and lands on the SHIELD command truck, knocking it over. Hawkeye tries to shot Cap with tranquilizers but Cap's shield comes back to him and he deflects the darts back at Hawkeye.

AMERICA! FUCK YEAH! WHAT YA GONNA DO WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU YEAH!

Nick Fury tells Warhole and Nerd Hulk (seriously?) to move out. Warhole, who's armor is now in the shape of a car, and chases after Cap. Rhodes transforms his car into the War Machine armor and smashes a car as Cap jumps away. And Issue 3 ends with Warhole aiming a crapton of weapons at Captain America.

Warhole: Prepare to meet Bob Hope, Grandpa.

Navek: Issue 4 begins with Cap evading Warhole.

Cap: Son of a Bitch! Would you quit with this crap before someone gets killed?

Navek: However, since we know that this Rhodes is a civilian killing douche, he just jokes about Captain America cursing and sends floating attack drones after Steve. Why does such an awesome suit have to be piloted by such a jackass?! Nick Fury gets out of the turned truck and asks about the status of his team. Warhole reports that he's kicking Cap's ass and then demolishes a cake shop that Cap is taking cover in.

Warhole: Oh, man! This is awesome! I'm recording all this for the guys at the base! Me kicking Cap's star-spangled ass!

Doctor Cox: Tooooo much talking, too much talking, too much talking.

Navek: Nick rightfully tells Rhodes to shut up since Cap probably isn't down yet. Warhole gets Cap on his radar and chases heads for his location.

Warhole: Gregory Stark calls me Iron Man of the future, but I like to say I'm Iron Man with balls.

Navek: If 'having balls' means not giving a damn about killing innocent civilians, I'll gladly take a sex change. Warhole continues to show that his suit is a lot better than his character as he spots Cap and closes the street off with a force-field.

Warhole: I got shoulder-guns, I got pulse-cannons, I got a tank-mode for cryin' out loud. My chest beam alone could wipe out a major city.

NavekWarhole: That's why I'll stop Captain America by wiping Paris off the Map! I am tactical genius!

Abridged Paradox: My plwan is gweat!

Navek: However, it turns out that Cap has actually taken shelter in a kindergarten class.

Captain America: I know civilians have never been a problem for you black ops boys. But little kids? In a world capital? With a million witnesses?

Warhole: Aw Crap.

Navek: So after Cap tosses Warhole out of the building and steals one of his arms, Black Widow rushes him. They crash through a room and land on a car.

Black Widow: Give it up or we bash your brains in. We can't have you out there jeopardizing the Red Skull mission.

Navek: How is he jeopardizing the mission?! Do these guys seriously think that Cap knowing his son is the Red Skull means he'll turn evil? Cap's not dumb! He can put the mission ahead of personal feelings! After Cap blasts Black Widow, he runs but knocked by ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! A two-page spread I have to turn on it's side?! Have I been reading an early 90's comic this entire time? I mean our title team is filled with idiotic murderers, the book itself contains graphic violence, and now this!

Anyway, Nerd Hulk apparently got himself a suit in between panels and tells to surrender. Cap asks if he's Banner's Brain in the Hulk's body and then proceeds to...well take it away Cartman.

Cartman: I'll kick square in nuts!

Cap: You take away his edge, you idiots!

Navek: You know, pre-Secret Wars, the Hulk had enhanced intelligence and was considered to be an even bigger threat than the classic Savage Hulk. I like to think Gerry Duggan did that as a subtle f^&amp;k you to this comic. Anyway, Cap is then swarm by a bunch of bugs controlled by Red Wasp and jumps into a nearby river. Unfortunately, Warhole electrocutes Cap, finally knocking him out.

We then cut the French S.H.I.E.L.D. Headquarters where Gregory Stark explains to the team that the blueprints A.I.M. stole were for the Cosmic Cube, a device that bend reality to the will of whoever holds it. Stark and Fury state that the terrorists no doubt plan to play punches with reality and that they have 48 hours before A.I.M. completes the cube. The team starts prepping for mission while we get this bit of exposition.

Red Wasp: Jim Rhodes said you and Miss Chang were married for six months? Is that true?

Fury: Six months, two weeks and five days. Vietnam was less tragic.

Navek: And before anyone gets sympathetic to Fury, we later learn Ultimate Avengers 2 that the reason they split was because Fury cheated on his wife with every woman in her family and her friends. And that is not an exaggeration, that actually happened.

We cut to the A.I.M. Headquarters in Alaska. The Supreme Commander talks about the different ideas that A.I.M. has been pitching for when they rebuild the world with the Cube. But shock of all shock, the Red Skull decides to turn on him and takeover A.I.M. And so our comic ends with the Red Skull a mere two days away from using the Cosmic Cube.

These comics are not that good. While the art maintains a great quality, both this issues fell like padding to make this fit for the trade. And the title team is full of really dislikeable people, and we really shouldn't be hating the title characters. Come back next time, when we finish off this mini-series.


	7. Ultimate Comics Avengers 5 & 6

Title card: Nick Fury and Gregory Stark stand on top of Navek, tapping wine glasses and smiling smugly while 'My Evil Plan to Save the World' plays on the background.

Previously on the Ultimate Avengers Review: The Title Team is full of unlikable assholes, Captain America was captured, and the Red Skull is now in possession of a deadly cosmic weapon.

Navek: Now let's dig into Ultimate Avengers #5-6 and finally get this mini-series over with. The cover for Issue 5 only features the faces of Cap and the Red Skull, which I'm sure is meant to be symbolic or something. We start off with a flashback where Nick Fury narrates about one of the most terrible thing the Red Skull did. It involved him making a scientist kill her activist husband with scissors, tossed her baby out the window, and while it's not clear if she was raped, I wouldn't put it past Mark Millar to write something like that. How pleasant.

Warhole: What was the other thing, General? You said two incidents...

Fury: Oh, that's easy. Just take a look at your history books, Rhodey. Captain America's son escaped from our compound in November, 1963. How would you send a message you weren't taking orders anymore?

Navek: And we cut to a splash page of John F. Kennedy being killed. I would make a Days of Future's Past joke, but I haven't seen it yet. Anyway, we cut the Avengers teleporting outside A.I.M. HQ. We also get the oh-so lovely image of Nerd Hulk vomiting. This is apparently because Red Wasp was wearing a golden wedding ring, and gold is apparently hard to teleport. The team talks about the fact that the Tele-planes didn't have enough range, and we get this line from Black Widow.

Black Widow: This isn't Star Trek, Nerd Hulk. I'm afraid we're victim to the laws of physics sometimes.

Navek: You are saying this to a clone of the Hulk and are about to retrieve a device that can screw with reality. We learn that the Red Wasp was the scientist from the earlier flashback and when the team enters the base. But it seems that all of the A.I.M. have been turned into human mincemeat. They walk through the base and find the Red Skull. Naturally, Hawkeye and Black Widow open fire, but...

Red Skull: An hour ago these bullets would have torn me in half. Now you might as well be throwing confetti. I told A.I.M. to eat each other and that's exactly what they did. That's the kind of power I have now. I only need to think of something and my little box makes it happen...

Black Widow: They said it wouldn't be ready yet. They said we still had two more days...

Red Skull: Well, that's the thing about these hard-working over-achievers. They always finish early.

Navek: And he perceives to blow them up with the Cosmic Cube. Gee, maybe you guys shouldn't have wasted a day fighting Captain America in Paris and all this crap wouldn't have happened. However, Red Skull only blew up the base and teleported all of them outside. Warhole attempts to beat the crap of the Skull followed by Nerd Hulk crushing the villain with a large chunk of debris and the two assassins of the team fire a lot of bullets. But it seems that Red Skull wants practice with the Cube, so none of these attacks do anything to him and easily knocks them back.

We cut to the French S.H.I.E.L.D. Headquarters where Captain America is detained.

French Soldier: We hear you like laugh at the French, Captain.

Ultimate Captain America: You think this 'A' on my head stands for France?

Navek: Ya, that's one of the problems people have with the Ultimate Version of Cap. While most people focus on Cap's golden age optimism and altruism, Mark Millar decided to write Cap as a more 'realistic' man from the 40s. Anyway, Cap deals with the guards as you would expect of the guy. Back with Fury and Gregory Stark, Greg says they've pretty much screwed up and their best chance to stop the Red Skull is to activate the nuke inside Warhole's armor.

However, this dilemma is stopped by Captain America hijacking one of the tele-planes I mentioned before. One of things that kind of agitates me about Millar is that he comes up with awesome ideas like War Machine's armor, the tele-planes and other insanely cool comic concepts. But instead of focussing on what makes comics great, he instead chooses to focus on stuff like graphic gore, unlikable characters and sex in an attempt to make this work seem 'mature' and 'realistic'. Anyway, the issue ends with Captain America stealing a tele-plane and telling Nick Fury to shut the #%&amp; up.

Issue 6's cover is awesome and really showcases how awesome Carlos Pacheco's artwork is! It features Captain America fighting the Red Skull with the defeated Avengers underneath them as the U.S. Flag burns in the background. Anyway, we open to Warhole showing more of the awesome functions of his suit as he first surrounds the Skull with holograms that he calls the 'Strobe Effect' and then proceeds to sneaks behind old Skullface in stealth mode and tries to disorientate him with 'Justin Timberlake at ten thousand times the volume that anyone else has ever heard him.' However, the Skull just uses the Cosmic Cube to push him back and continues to keep toying with the Avengers.

During this battle, we get cuts of Captain America in the tele-plane porting closer and closer until he reaches the battle. While the Red Skull uses the cube to knock the plane down, Cap has Hawkeye give him the Red Skulls exact position and in an act of pure insanity, Cap uses the coordinates and teleports the plane so that its nose cone stabs the Red Skull through his chest!

I should be offended by the gruesomeness, but my brain is overloaded by the pure insanity of the situation. Let me repeat, Captain America just used a teleporting plane to defeat a Cosmic Cube wielding Red Skull! That is awesome!

Later, the Red Skull is lying in a hospital bed and is close to death. Gail is there to say goodbye as she and Steve both feel sad by this. After they leave, Nick Fury asks the Skull what regrets someone like him could have. As it turns out, Red Skull was actually going to use the cube to rewrite history so that Cap wouldn't have been frozen and that he would have a normal life. It's actually pretty touching. To bad it's ruined by Red Wasp getting revenge by shooting the already death-ridden man in the head.

We cut to a S.H.I. . safe house, where Fury and Stark are talking about how Project Avengers is officially reopened. And while I was just tolerant of this series before, the entire comic is ruined by the last lines of dialogue of this series.

Gregory Stark: Oh, please. Like you didn't engineer this entire drama.

Fury: Excuse me?

Stark: Don't insult my intelligence, General. You hired the Red Skull to reopen wounds only you could close. You were the middle man in this whole thing. You were the one who lured him out of retirement.

Fury: Kinda judgemental for the man who broke Jim Rhodes. I'm getting my job back, Gregory. Whatever it takes.

Navek: In case you didn't catch what was horribly wrong with that, let me explain. Nick Fury hired a known killer (the same one who killed JFK) to join A.I.M., got who knows how many people killed, almost had all of reality beaten for its lunch money, assembled one of the most ineffective teams in all of comics, and had to rely on Captain America to bail them out! And all just to get his old job back! Go to hell Ultimate Nick Fury!

These comics suck! Aside from the great artwork and plenty of good ideas, it fails due to Millar's pseudo-maturity tropes. So how am I going to make up for six issues of bad comics? Well next time, we take a retrospective look about a series involving retroactive continuity, Nazis, and tons of Golden Age Superheroes!

Next time: The All-Star Squadron!


End file.
